Because we'll do anything to entertain ourselves, Shoo Shoo and I decided to write our own (fictitious, albeit hilarious and maybe eversoslightly true) SWF ads, just for fun....
SWF, legal assistant, loves to travel (and has the debt to prove it), loves food (currently bordering on 200# but mama says I’m big boned so it’s all good), loves animals (so bring a lint roller when visiting my house or you just may be mistaken for a furry animal yourself when you leave), Independent (I decide which bills I pay and which ones I don’t fool!), loves concerts (and will ditch you for a rock star in two shakes of a lamb’s tail if the opportunity arises), Very neat and organized (don’t even THINK about touching my stuff and putting it back in the wrong position or you’ll lose a hand), loves photography (In a picture of the two of us, you will be cropped out every time), enjoys alone time (you will need to be penciled into my calendar), friendly (after 8 beers and 5 shots I MIGHT let you touch my leg), motivated (as long as there’s money at the end of that task…OR FOOD!), loves movies (if you say ONE word during that movie be prepared for the good ole “duct tape over the mouth” trick), enjoys true crime shows (and now knows how to pull off the perfect murder) and long walks on the beach (will ponder moving to said beach 5 times a week). If interested reply to: plumpcatlovinspinster4u@suckit.com.
Not your style, how about contestant #2.........
SWF, HR Consultant/Writer/compulsive job-hopper who is very interesting (read: weird), and ever-changing (from the on-again, off-again relationship with antidepressants -- never a dull moment!), easily jealous/envious (I want what YOU have!), has an attention span of a teeny tiny baby bird embryo (wait, what’s that over there?), loves to shop (to make myself feel happy for a split second, until I overdraw my bank account from the bad check I just wrote, then I cry again), easily annoyed (don't even THINK of scraping the side of your yogurt container so loudly...who eats that shit anyway? And seriously, could you breathe any louder?) likes to travel (from city to city, job to job, apartment to apartment, because I am convinced that it is everyone and everything around me making me unhappy, definitely not me doing it) searching for someone who is funny but not too funny (flushes easily due to my severe rosacea – but don’t worry, I spend thousands of dollars that I don’t have on IPL treatments to help fight the skin condition! Don’t forget the botox!), someone who really likes me (but not too much because once you do I hate you, then once you don’t want me I force myself into a tailspin of complete and utter depression in which I drive everyone around me crazy, along with myself, due to the fact that you were a wonderful, perfect king and I have chosen to put you on a massive pedestal while I loathe in the fact that you probably didn’t like me because I am needy, not even slightly domestic and my humungo love handles outsize my flat a$$), someone who likes to go out and have a few cocktails (read: get blackout drunk) and loves deep conversations (usually involving re-thinking my entire life).
Interested applicants send inquiries to:
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